Sometimes my decisions are made on a level beyond my conscious control. I’m not talking about taking what life throws at you and saying ‘Ah… meant to be!’ I’m talking about those moments when you have a choice to make. Like taking that new job. Breaking up with that person. Moving to a new country. Big decisions that ARE up to you.
Two examples of what I’m talking about spring to mind. The first was a few years ago when I was seeing a guy. I was unhappy in the relationship and had spent a week or so crying and writing and talking to friends and generally in that thinking space, and wondering how I was gonna do it – if I was, and what I was going to say and then how would he take it??? And then something happened. A peace and a calm and a stillness started to come over me. The decision was made. It was over. I felt it in every cell of my being, as if it had already happened in one place and it was just my job to move through the logistics in this world.
Last week I found out I’d been accepted into a program at Lund University that gave me tingles and goose bumps. Human Ecology – Culture, Power and Sustainability. I found it almost 6 months ago now and felt a complete peace and knowingness that that was my next step. I applied, waited, and last week when I found out, I expected immediate joy. I didn’t feel it. When I told people and they all said ‘Are you EXCITED?!’ I began to wonder what was wrong. I didn’t feel excited I felt bloody overwhelmed, anxious and perhaps terrified. I have not lived in the same home for more than 6 months for years now and I am aching for some stillness and to ‘home’ (I’d like to make ‘home’ a verb here).
I came back to Perth in October last year kicking and screaming. This was the last place in the world I wanted to come… And now I’ve fallen in love again. With the sunshine and the blue sky and the birds and the trees and the people I work with and old friends and my students and the Raw Food Kitchen and Fremantle and The Bodhi Tree Bookcafe and King’s Park and Roleystone and Jarrahdale and Brighton Beach and Pemberton Karri Trees and Denmark (WA) and my nephews and family and the accent and the sense of irreverent humour…. And my heart hurt at the thought of leaving all that, and starting new again.
I had a big cry on the phone to my sista (thank you Sal) and she held me and all my sadness and scaredness and fears in her hands and somehow brought me back to my centre. I felt gentle and open and present again.
And ‘I’ didn’t make the decision at all but I felt it, wordless in all my bones.
I’m going back to Sweden. I am madly passionately crazy in love with all things Scandinavia, in a school-girl crush kind of way. It is also the kind of love that feels deep and whole and peaceful and calm… and like… My Future.
Back to the land of the midnight sun for me.
